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December 1, 2005
Anxious Talking
I had a good night tonight. I felt a lot of anxiety, but I got out of my comfort zone and talked with people that I normally wouldn't. Most importantly, even though I felt very anxious, I stayed in the situation and didn't feel bad about myself afterwards. I kept looking away and cutting short what I was saying because I felt I couldn't handle it, but I did handle things. That's a big deal for me, and I feel good about dealing with anxiety tonight.
I have a few saved items I've written down lately, entries about things I've felt and links I've found online that I haven't put into the blog yet. I will keep writing them in here, and I will really try to get to some of the links soon. Here's one entry I wrote last week, from a time when things didn't feel as good as tonight.
I was comforted recently into believing that my anxiety I feel isn't seen by others. I don't think that's true, and it is really frustrating when anxiety overwhelms me.
I was on a plane today, heading to see my family. I sat next to a woman who looked about my age. I asked her where she was going and we started talking. Or rather, she began talking and I talked when I felt I could without shaking too much. I could hear my voice trembling, believed my lips were trembling, and couldn't look her in the eyes. I kept thinking about what I was looking like rather than thinking about the conversation. She was interesting, working as a scientist. I got the impression that she was looking for a friend, since she had just moved to the same city that I live in. To be clear, I wasn't attracted to her, but I could see myself hanging out with her. We talked for about fifteen minutes, and the anxiety did decrease, but not as much as usual. I was consumed by thinking about the anxiety, and I started to try to end the questions. I did end them, she put on her headphones, and I got out of talking.
We talked more later in the flight, when I asked a question to start things again. I was still feeling like I was trembling and wasn't looking at her, but I still talked for awhile. At the end of the flight, I thought about giving her my phone number. I even thought she would want it. I was worried, though, about her getting the wrong idea and thinking that I wanted to date her. I envisioned the conversation where she asked about this, and in my head knew I couldn't handle it. So I acted like I wanted to just walk off and not talk again, which I did.
The event doesn't seem so terrible, looking back at it. I did start the conversation twice, although I did stop the conversation twice as well. I felt really scared, but I keep up the conversation for at least a half hour. She wanted to talk to me, which feels good. I have to remember that things barely ever go as badly as I think they do.
Posted by successfullyshy at December 1, 2005 10:08 PM