Successfully Shy

I Gave a Speech Last Week

I didn't end writing about it here beforehand, but I gave a speech last week. It's only the second time I have ever done this. The first time I gave a speech, I drank a lot beforehand to help calm my nerves. I know that is not a good solution, and I know of the many issues with drinking and social anxiety. This time, though, I only used a beta blocker before the speech. I did not feel great during the talk, but I felt pretty good.

There are many days that are still terrible for me with anxiety. There are days where anxiety gets the better of me, and every day I feel like l need to manage my anxiety. But last week reminded me that there are days that are really good for my anxiety. This was a milestone that I'm very proud of.

Still a Student Some Days

I am going to start writing here again some days to help me get through something that's coming up in two months. I'll be speaking at a conference in August. It is surprising even to me, but I have already spoken once at a conference. For the first one I drank a lot of wine beforehand to get through the talk. I know that's not a good way to deal with things, but I did get done with the speech. Drinking is not going to be option for my performance this time. I am scared. And I need to start taking steps to get myself ready for this.

Social anxiety is still something I deal with every day. It's generally better than it was four years ago. But there are still many days when I can't do all the things I'd like to do. I keep working at it. Or at least I should be.

Ileana posted about my graduation awhile ago. Reading that again, that makes me smile. But the truth is that I'm still a student in ways. And I'm still trying to graduate.

I'm Alive and Well

My life has changed a lot in the last year, much for the better. I'm not writing here anymore. And I wanted to make that official. What helped me out?

1. Letting others know what I'm going through. I started by blogging. Then I let one person into my anxiety world.
2. Forcing myself into situations and a job where I had to deal with people often.
3. Drinking less and exercising more.
4. Accepting my anxiety. And that means that my anxiety has not gone away. It is often better, but it's not always better. It's still a daily issue for me, but it's something that does not hold me down anymore.

If you're looking for more information, check out the helping links. Or see Ileana's closing shop blog post for great links. My heart goes out to everyone reading this.

Two Important Thoughts For Me

When I'm writing I remember that writing makes me feel better.

Not having the constant distractions I've come to rely on can be a beautiful thing.

A Community, In Some Form or Other

I wish I didn't have to turn off comments on this site. I wanted to stop the spam, but I loved hearing from others once in awhile. I do tell my anxieties to someone else, so I am not alone with my feelings. But it's nice to get a comment from more people sometimes, you know?

In a funny timing, I wrote this before I saw a blog response from Illeana. Thanks!

This all relates to community in my mind. Which brings me to an odd realization the other day: some of my desire to always live in a city is to have people around, even if I'm too scared to talk to them.

An Extra Hour

I'll always put in an extra hour of work, but I don't make the same sacrifice for writing anxiety notes, exercising, or talking with a friend. That sounds very sad when I see it written down, and that is more black-and-white than it is. I will always talk with a friend when they are in need, and I do write my anxiety notes sometimes. But "not making the same sacrificies when it isn't work" still feels like the truth. I realize in some ways why I do this. I know that I'm in a position that's a good opportunity for me. But life still needs to be lived, and there's a balance I sometimes don't get right.

Beating Social Anxiety

I really like this blog. Thanks for posting, Ileana.

Getting Out of a Funk

I've been in a funk today. I've wasted too much time, and as the time goes by, I get more in a funk and get less done. So much of the problems I have come from a snowballing effect. It's time to get out of the funk. I'm listening to some good music now, doing the hard work I don't want to do, and accepting the problems of the day.

Recent Updates- No Comments or Trackbacks

For anybody actually reading this blog, sorry about the recent update. I had to republish some of the entries to fix an issue.

I have also turned off comments and trackbacks. I wish I could have comments on this site, but I had to turn them off because of a technical issue. If you have a comment, you can email me at successfullyshy AT gmail DOT com.

Joe's Goals

I've started using Joe's Goals again to keep track of daily progress with anxiety. It also helps me keep in mind other things to do. It's a very easy site to use.

BU Anxiety Program

I'm currently in group therapy at the BU Anxiety Center. This is my second time in one of these groups, and I find it very helpful. It's sometimes hard to keep trying. I find the group more helpful for keeping momentum than anything else. I am learning more as well. I highly recommend this center (or finding one in your area).

Still Around

I'm still around, even though I haven't been blogging. There's been a lot of changes in my life, mostly for the better.

As for anxiety changes, I've been feeling more confident and feeling less anxiety, but I still avoid speaking in groups, have bouts of anxiety when talking to people, and avoid areas of conflict. My primary care doctor is asking to see me again to give a refill to my small dose of Celexia. I haven't called an anxiety center I interviewed with, but they also never called me back. I talk more with others about my problems, which I think helps me the most.

Overall, I've been feeling much better, but I still need to keep working on it. Things can change.

I have a collection of links that I planned on writing about a long time ago, but which I will dump here for now:

http://www.angelfire.com/me/infomaniacal/
http://open-mind.org/SP/Articles/9c.htm
http://www.anxietynetwork.com/sphome.html
http://www.ringsurf.com/netring?ring=socialanxiety;action=list
http://www.healsocialanxiety.com/
http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/
http://panicdisorder.about.com/od/socialpersonal/
http://www.homepages.indiana.edu/121004/text/research.shtml

Anxiety Consultation

I've been busy with life lately. Life is going well. I'm certainly not anxiety free and I still avoid some situations, but I have been feeling less anxious lately.

I went to a center for anxiety last week and got an initial consultation. The place is a great research center that I went to three years ago. I didn't follow through enough with them last time, but I think I'm ready to follow through this time. It was scary to talk about myself for so long, but I don't feel like I'm uncomfortable with or avoiding the idea that I have social anxiety anymore. I've even talked in depth with a friend about my anxiety. She says she doesn't see it, and she's very supportive of me. I think this is the biggest step forward that I've taken, feeling a little more comfortable with the anxiety, with who I am.

A Collection of Links

http://www.awarenessequalspower.com/safeplace/mydress.html
"My Gossamer Dress" is beautiful essay on social anxiety. I don't relate to a lot of this myself, but I still really like the piece.

http://www.socialanxietyassist.com.au
A link that was emailed to me which has a lot of good information it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/15/magazine/15japanese.html
An article in the New York Times about hikikomori "which translates as 'withdrawal' and refers to a person sequestered in his room for six months or longer with no social life beyond his home."

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/33/1728_81073.htm
Information on essential tremors. Since my hands can shake even when I'm not anxious, I feel like I have a slight version of this which I magnify when I focus on it. "Social phobia, or fear of public situations, affects up to one-third of patients with essential tremor."

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/20/1728_51228.htm
Another interesting WebMD article which says "Focusing on improving interpersonal relationships, such as those with relatives and friends, could improve symptoms of social phobia, according to early results from a small study published in the November issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry."

What It Comes Down To

What it comes down to for me:

think lips are shaking
feel lips shaking
always think eyes are red
get scared of eye contact
muscles tense up
think others are can see all or some of the above
think I'm not worthy
think others are thinking bad things about me
try to get out of the situation
talk to myself afterwards
think about everything that happened afterwards
call myself dumb and that I hate myself afterwards